In retrospect, I have a hard time finding the time when I stepped outside of my being and took distant control of the drone. Since my late teens, I have been trying to build my human self into - what I believe - a human should be: good to others, strong, reliable, trustworthy, compassionate, attractive both physically and mentally, spiritual; a provider. While these are traits I would definitely take ownership of and continue to strive for, it has been the lifestyle and career that have always felt a bit foreign.
College was a blur. I was a "commuter" and didn't live on campus. I had a few girlfriends and not many friends.
My mid-20's was a reality show I watched on TV. I moved out of my parent's house. Started my first "real" job (Creative Director), and moved in with my girlfriend at the time. Later, I got married to my first wife.
My 30's have been melancholic: phases of happiness and sadness; stressful, even in the good times. Went on a different career path. By this time, I've experienced death a number of ways and awe struck reality of absolutes in my life. I got divorced and re-married. No children.
As I enter into my 40's, I have found myself reaching out to grab my own hand. To pull me back. The activity that has done this for me is BMX riding. Street, in particular.
While it sounds trivial, BMX is the one thing that connects me - the drone operator - to "the drone" and makes me whole. It makes me feel alive and well. Sweat, dirt, pain, bliss, observation, pensiveness, creativity - it is a type of spiritual connection that happens through a BMX conduit.
As I try to meditate of why this is, I can only assume that it connects to the last time I felt like "myself" - my teen years. Like a song, smell, sound or place that transports you back to a time of happiness (or sadness), the activity of riding BMX does that for me. And while I definitely enjoy MTB and CX riding, that place I go in my mind is never found on any other bike.
The feeling of being lost is an awful one. I've been lost for two-and-a-half decades. I've finally found myself, however, on a 20" freestyle bike.